More oddments

Initially, I was wondering why so many believers in absurd conspiracy theories are devout Christians.

Then it hit me: Western monotheism is the purest of conspiracy theories — the entire universe is overseen and controlled by an invisible, omniscient, omnipotent spirit that communicates only with its closest followers, who cannot objectively prove this communication to anyone else.

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I just bought 10 thumb drives for a total of less than $30. Each drive holds 16GB of info, which is 16 times as much as the 3-foot-tall 1GB state-of-the-art hard drive unit our publisher crowed about at the Welcomat in 1990.

And each of these powerful objects that I can hide in the palm of my hand costs slightly less than a large green pepper at the grocery store.

Something is definitely amiss.

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Previously unrecognized benefactors of humanity:

Alexander Graham Cracker, inventor of the pre-assembled pie crust.

Edward R. Merrooww, early friend of abandoned house cats

Jacqueline Kennedy Agnostic, first woman to believe in absolutely nothing

James Fenugreek Cooper, chef who established East Indian cooking in America

Mother Tearassa, fastest nun ever to win a Formula One race.

Mary Queen of Scats, premier collector of fossilized coprolites.

Marquis de Sod, lord of 150,000 acres of removable turf.

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9/11 seems to have had the same propulsive effect as Pearl Harbor (and with almost the same fatality figures). The difference was that with 9/11, unlike 1941, we have had no obvious enemy (the Japs!) to focus on, only shadowy figures who might be anybody, who might be mingling among us. So we came up with the PATRIOT Act and REAL ID, which achieves nothing but to make life more annoying and fearful (I haven’t gotten my REAL ID yet, hoping it will just fade away – the deadline has been pushed back at least twice). Even the name “9/11” is nebulous, not a descriptive pointer like “Pearl Harbor,” not something you can lay you hand or mind on, only a peculiar slashed numeral. 

A decade after Pearl Harbor, we had been through history’s most destructive war, conquered our major enemies and turned them into friends (or at least colleagues), our new enemy having changed name and description.

A decade after 9/11, we have botched all attempts to identify, meet, or defeat the enemy, instead turning the enemy internal, the “other guy” on the street – and developed myriad new ways to shriek at each other and toss blame like rice at a wedding. 

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Please sign a petition begging Mexico to take back Texas and renounce the U.S. “illegal and ill-conceived” steal of the region from its colonial home in the mid 19th century. In truth, the state was originally stolen from Native Americans, but at this point it’s difficult to pinpoint the tribes most affected. And anyway, they don’t want it.

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Latest suggested advances from Apple:

iLife: Your phone, watch, pad and computer can now do everything concerned with living, so that you no longer have to be present in your own life.

Smart Glasses: These have nothing to do with eyesight; they are digitized table glasses that automatically fill with Scotch and soda the moment the drinking level reaches below 10%. Excellent for sipping while reading 19th-century English novels.

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The latest Supreme Court decision, denying state-convicted persons the right to appeal in federal courts over convictions resulting from ineffective counsel, even in capital cases, strikes at the very concept of justice. It defies the Court’s own precedent.

Christ, we’re in for a hideous year.

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