Another strange police charge:

A woman’s body is found in her boyfriend’s fridge: “Stevens is charged with tampering with evidence with the intent to impair a human corpse.”

*   *   *   *

How to create a European detective series which will then appear on Netflix in the U.S.

• It must feature a female police detective in the lead who is
  • smarter and more intuitive than her fellow detectives
  • returning to the force after a traumatic absence
  • despised by at least one officer in charge
  • involved in a difficult or disintegrating marriage, preferably interracial
• The department must be fully interracial with this fact never referred to
• The timeline must ratchet back and forth at a dizzying pace to leave you confused
• The plot must focus in part on the owners of a corporation run by an unpleasant family of at least two generations
• One of the younger members of this family must be considered an outcast for showing honesty or decency
• The elements of the central crime (usually a series of grisly murders) must be contradictory or incomprehensible enough to leave you further confused
• Several of the charters, male and female, must look so nearly alike that you spend much of your time trying to recall who you’re watching
• A totally unrelated subplot, usually involving the detective, must turn out to be crucial in solving the mystery
• The detective must conspicuously tail a suspect in her car without the suspect noting this for a moment
• Forests and murky bodies of water must be involved, whether central to the plot or not
• The music must be constant and either poundingly ominous or feature a pop song sung in English, no matter in which country the action takes place
• You must be left with the positive feeling that the writing, directing and acting were superb throughout and you’ve had a lot of fun, even though the story was pointless

*   *   *   *

Tune: Frosty the Snowman:

Futzi the Showman

Was a rancid little elf,

For if you tried to talk to him,

He would say, ‘Go fuck yourself.”

*   *   *   *

A spot-on cartoon:

*   *   *   *

Thought I openly admit to being a total klutz at most physical endeavors, it doesn’t stop me from giving advice to others on how to do plumbing.

Continual failure can be highly instructive.

*   *   *   *

The proper terms for today’s political system and its leaders: Moronocracy, Moronocrats

*   *   *   *

The British are still dickering on returning the Parthenon marbles to Greece: now they may be willing to at least “loan” them to the Greek Parthenon Museum. As if they had the least right to them in the first place. Lord Elgin performed the most egregious art theft in history, carting them out of Egypt, to “protect” them, I suppose. The usual combination of British international brutality and smarm.

*   *   *   *

Tune: Back in the Saddle Again

I’m ballin the cattle again,

Ballin the cattle again,

Yippee ti-yi-yay,

Not one will get away,

When I’m ballin the cattle again

*   *   *   *

Headline:

“Respiratory infection clusters in China not caused by novel virus, says health ministry.” Of course not! It’s a short-story virus.

Sprinkled throughout tis week’s rumination you will find samples of odd signage, supplemented by equally strange pairings of absurd names and terms.

Just stuff I’ve tripped over in my linguistic jogs.

For example:

Is the Gutter Master a cousin of the Back Door Man?

*   *   *   *

Fairness is impossible in most human situations because some will not want fairness. They’ll want to get the best for themselves, regardless of consequences to others.

And what is fairness anyway?

It’s not giving everyone absolutely equal shares, which ignores the differences of individual need.

It’s not giving each their preferred choice if that choice will negate the choice of others.

There are no cures – physical, social, political, environmental – that will fit the needs of everyone in every situation. We are each an individual, a member of a local group, and a statistical point in the overall scheme of things.

And when you’re dealing with people, there aren’t only the individual and the general population to consider; between and around them lie the variable (determined by change in need or situation) and the cyclical (the historical repetition).

Though some suggested cures will work more widely and effectively than others, for the most part we can’t expect to fix or even define anything “human” on a broad scale, only raise the likelihood of comfort or acceptance somewhat higher.

*   *   *   *

Funniest award of the year!

Seen on a plaque in the reception area of the hospital where Linda and I waited for her annual ophthalmology exam:

“Total Knee Replacement Five-Star Recipient”

Well, knee me in the groin!

*   *   *   *

When I first heard of neatsfoot oil, I had a horrifying vision of the poor little neats, footless, bleeding to death in the snow.

*   *   *   *

Why do archaeo-geologists give our poor planet so little credit for its role in its own evolution?

They’ve made a recent claim that attack by massive asteroids was necessary for our planet to develop hydrogen cyanide and thus release atmospheric oxygen, a necessary basis of life. It’s as though Earth could not possibly be responsible for its own progress without the help of huge, extraterrestrial aliens.

Instead, I propose that we consider what was going on right along at the bottoms of our oceans, which produced, among other things, Ancient Sulphur Spewing holes.

Without these ASSholes, there would be no life on earth.

*   *   *   *

You know that ubiquitous road-sign-from-hell, “Road Work Ahead”?

Did you ever consider it would mean almost exactly the same if the sign read, “Road Work Afoot”?

*   *   *   *

When Linda turned onto Lick Creek Rd. the other night, a doe and two fawns turned away from the verge to run back into the field.

For the first two decades we were up here, the deer preferred to dash straight into the road (in one case, directly into our car) and get obliterated.

But in the last couple years more deer are scampering off to live another day. They may have actually learned something important about survival.

You think there’s any hope that humanity might reach a similar level of revelation ?

Oh, roll over, howl with laughter, and kick your feet in the air!

*   *   *   *

You ever wonder: 

Is Jack Shit related to Peter Out?