All you Rastafarians are, of corse, familiar with Ethiopian emperor, Haile Selassie, revered by your faith as God. But did you know he had a cousin who never made the pantheon? His name was Haile UnLikeli.
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This is a tale from the 14th century. An “itinerant” (read “bum”) visited a French monastery and convent. He begged for something to eat and was well received, becoming so accepted by the monks that they offered him a menial job, the pay being a monastic cell and meals, which suited him just fine.
But he had a talent of which, initially, the monks were unaware. He dealt with a variety of tradesmen who quickly learned that he was an expert at relieving them, manually, of their sexual tensions.
Word of his digital prowess spread rapidly to the attached convent. The Mother Superior asked if he might like to visit and bestow his favors equally upon her charges. This he did, to their immense delight.
Over time, his fame encompassed the countryside, where he became know as Jack Off All Trades and Masturbator of Nuns.
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Two Afghans were walking down the road. One was a bedspread, the other was not. The one who was a bedspread asked the one who was not: “Why are you not a bedspread?” The other replied: “Because I am a purebred dog.” The first sneered, “Foreigner,” and turned away in disgust, causing him to fall over a cliff where he snagged to death on a hemlock tree. This made the purebred dog sad, because now he would have no one to sleep on.
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This parody does not follow the original past the first line, but I sang it on our answering machine in Philly:
I’m an old cow hand from the Rio Grande
And you might think I’m dumb,
Just four fingers and a thumb,
Or maybe I’m dead,
‘Cause I don’t have a head,
But it sure is grand,
Bein’ an old cow hand.
Thank you.
lickhaven 